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In each other we trust (maybe)

Trust is a weird thing. A lot of us aren’t good at it. I’ll be honest enough to say that though I try to be open-minded and think the best of people, the list of folks I trust implicitly is pretty small. In a simultaneously polarized and crowded age, we’re wary of our trust being betrayed. It’s happened at some point or another to most of us, and it’s a horrible feeling. But if we don’t trust we miss out on opportunities, relationships, and even feelings of fulfillment or happy moments.

I’ll go out on a bit of a limb here and say that trust is one of the most important things we still have to learn as an adult. We have to learn to find the balance of trusting while still being reasonably cautious, and it’s not something we just learn once. We have to learn it over again with every person we interact with. When we get it wrong, it can be incredibly painful. But when we get it right, it’s beautiful.

The people I trust most are not only there when I need them, but know that I’m here when they need someone. We may fight now and then, but making up is easier because we know how much we care about one another. We can be our genuine selves with each other, and don’t have to put up fronts. We can rely on each other to keep our word, and we value each other’s opinions even more because of that trust.

Only by trusting each other will we be able to collectively learn and grow. Mind you, I’m not saying you should just go out and put your wholehearted trust in any rando you come across. That’s definitely not safe. It’s also worth saying that having levels of trust is a very, very good thing. How much you trust a stranger on the sidewalk should be different from how much you trust an acquaintance, which should be different from how much you trust a close friend or family member. Having boundaries doesn’t make the trust itself any less valuable. Small extensions of trust — small risks — can help us not only forge new relationships but improve existing ones.

Maybe being more trusting means being open with someone close to you, even when you’d rather not. Maybe it means letting your friend pick the restaurant this time. Maybe it means trusting that putting up a boundary is the healthiest thing, because sometimes trust has to be earned. Maybe it means delegating tasks at work, or asking for input. Maybe it means trusting yourself.

So on this fine Wednesday morning, let’s appreciate trust among the people we’re close to, and even start extending it a little at a time. In what ways has trust helped you? Let me know in a comment below, on Twitter @ohgrowup, or Instagram @oh.grow.up! Thanks for reading, and happy adulting!

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We should hang out soon

We’ve all said that one a lot and then never actually made plans. It’s normal. We’re busy. As an adult you no longer have the confines of school to encourage and facilitate social interaction. But it can be a bummer when we really do want to make plans with friends and it just doesn’t seem to happen.

This has been a particularly striking topic for me lately, mostly because I don’t have many friends in the area I’m living. I have roommates (who thankfully are also friends) and like one other friend. Three other old friends live back near my family, a couple of hours away, a few friends live in other parts of the state, and a lot of friends live in different states or even countries. It makes casual hangouts kind of hard.

That being said, carving out time to spend with friends is super important, and something I’ve been trying not to let slide. I got to see some friends from college a couple of weeks ago, which reminded me how much I missed being able to take trips and do things with a group of friends. And a couple days ago, an annual trip with a different group of friends got booked for later this summer, which I’m super excited about.

So what’s the trick to making plans with friends actually come together amidst busy and often very separate adult lives? The bad news is there isn’t one answer. But these are some of the things I’ve found most helpful:

  • Group texts – Yeah, yeah, I know how annoying they can get. But they also keep us together, even if it’s just through sending memes
  • Social media – I know we can’t always hang out, but I do like seeing what you’re up to (at reasonable levels of posting)
  • FaceTime/Skype – Y’all, Google Hangouts are how my boyfriend and I made long distance work through 4 years of college. Now, I try to FaceTime friends on occasion so we have a chance to catch up even if it isn’t in person
  • Meeting in the middle – Maybe a friend lives just a little too far to be a convenient quick trip, but you can always meet partway and spend some time together
  • Offering food – If I’m inviting friends over to my place, I always sweeten the deal with food. We usually cook together, which gives us something to do, and then it’s a meal they don’t have to otherwise worry about
  • Reunion trips – That’s the one I’ve got coming up this summer. It will be our sixth year doing the same trip, and every time is different but it’s always a perfect chance to hang out and relax, especially since we don’t get to see each other super often anymore
  • Find an excuse – Maybe it’s someone’s birthday or something bigger like a wedding, but creating an additional reason to get together can help keep plans from falling through quite so easily
  • When you say, “let’s hang out,” ACTUALLY MAKING PLANS – This is the one that I’m worst at. If we do not make plans right then and there, I will probably forget and we will probably not hang out anytime soon. So let’s set something up

What are your favorite ways to make sure you spend time with friends? Let me know in a comment below, on Twitter @ohgrowup, or Instagram @oh.grow.up! Thanks for reading, and happy adulting!

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House, home, or hovel

Staying in one place is, for better or worse, not the norm for me. I had lived in more than 17 different houses by the time I turned 17, and also spent most of that time switching a couple times a week between mom’s and dad’s. The first time I lived in just one house for a number of months, I didn’t know what to do.

Today, I live in a medium-sized apartment with roommates. I spent last weekend visiting family, and much of the week before that in another part of the state for a friend’s wedding. I’ve taken solo day trips just because I wanted to, and had plenty of opportunities to visit people I care about. I’ve never been made it a year and a half without switching houses and/or moving. I fly several times a year.

Life has brought around some cool opportunities. But even when you’re not physically stuck in the same place all the time doesn’t mean you never feel stir-crazy.

As emerging adults, a lot of us are trying to find our own space in the world. Maybe that means far from home, or maybe that means sticking close to it. Maybe it means trying to figure out what the word “home” even means. Sometimes it means figuring out what to do when the place you’re in isn’t quite doing it.

These are the ways I’ve learned to handle it:

  • Find new things in your city or area, or go visit old ones that you haven’t been to in forever
  • Make staying in fun. Build a fort, cook or bake something special, rearrange your furniture so it feels new
  • Plan for big trips. I’ve got a couple of larger trips coming up, and anytime I feel a little antsy about being in one spot, I remember that I have those new travels to look forward to
  • Have people over. I do a lot better with staying in one place if there are other people there too. Because as much as I enjoy time alone, it does make the minutes drag on
  • Switch up the routine. Take a new route to work, make small adjustments in your schedule. You don’t have to make those the new norm, but shaking things up a little can help
  • Join a group. This could be faith-based, community volunteering, or centered on a hobby you enjoy. But finding a way to connect with other people will make being in one place feel more like roots rather than static
  • Make the most of your space. Whether you live in a big house, a small apartment, or a tiny little excuse for one, find new ways to use and appreciate your space. It’s amazing what we can, with a little TLC, learn to call home

What are your best tips for battling stir-craziness? Let me know in a comment below, on Twitter @ohgrowup, or Instagram @oh.grow.up! Thanks for reading, and happy adulting!

(Photo is a free stock photo because it had the right essence.)

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Thanks Dads

Happy Father’s Day! I’m super lucky to not only have two dads in my life, but a bunch of wonderful grandpas, uncles, and other father figures as well. And all of them — my dads especially — have taught me so much more than I could ever properly thank them for.

My dads cooked and baked with me, and taught me some of their best tricks in the kitchen. They taught me how to not just build and fix things, but also how to decorate them. They taught me to love being outdoors and how to find adventure in small moments. We’ve shared movies and tv shows and books, because even when they weren’t your usual preference, you cared that I liked them.

Most importantly, they taught me how to try new things. They had my back when I was afraid I might fall, and helped me get back up when first tries were a little rough. They give the absolute best hugs, and are always there when I need them.

But it’s not just my dads. My best friends’ dads, my uncles, my grandpas, and close family friends have been so present that it feels like there’s never a dad out of reach. And perhaps the best part is that they’re all different. There’s no one way that a dad has to look or act. Some make ridiculous dad jokes, some love being outdoorsy, some will play board games all day. Some are loud and boisterous while others are quieter. Some are Mr. Fix-It, while others are less mechanically inclined. But of course, they do share the common thread of loving and taking care of their kids (even those who aren’t their kids by blood).

If you’ve got a dad, dads, or a dad figure in your life, make sure you take some time to tell them how much you appreciate them. I know I wouldn’t be who I am today without both of my dads, and they mean the world to me.

What do you appreciate most about your dad? Let me know in a comment below, on Twitter @ohgrowup, or Instagram @oh.grow.up! Thanks for reading, and happy Father’s Day!

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Making a budget 101

Happy Sunday! I’m back with some practical advice, this time regarding budgeting. I’ve written posts in the past about saving or budgeting for gifts or friends, but realize that I haven’t actually talked about making a general budget yet.

Why have a budget? The short answer is because you spend money. Even if you don’t buy much beyond what you need, it’s the best way to make sure you’re on track with savings and building good financial habits for the future. If you like to spend, it’s those reasons plus making sure you don’t overspend. It’s a way to keep yourself accountable — starting as an emerging adult — so that if you ever want to travel, buy a house, have kids, or retire you can actually, y’know, afford it.

Our generation is strapped with high costs of almost everything and staggering amounts of debt. There isn’t always much we can do about where we landed. But we can do something about where we end up.

As always, the disclaimers: No app or service I mention is sponsored, and I’m not compensated in any way. I only mention specific names because myself or someone I know has found them useful, and hope that others will too. None of my advice is ever all-encompassing. You gotta do what works for you, but I hope this serves as a helpful starting point.

With that out of the way, let’s jump in.

Step 1: Research

Do you know how much your cost of living is? Do you know how much you spend in various categories every month? Those basics are the first place to start. Before I set up my budget for the first time, I had been carefully tracking my spending over the course of several months.* I used that data, plus some info from my parents regarding the costs of food, insurance, etc. to figure out ~about~ how much I needed to account for in various categories every year. Once I had the rough annual cost of each category, I then just divided each category by 12 and ta-da! I had a monthly budget.

Step 2: Setup

I use the free version of an application (I just use the website) called EveryDollar. It’s not perfect, but it’s easy to use and lets me be as detailed or as general as I want. The downside is that unlike apps like Mint — which I tried but didn’t love — you’re responsible for inputting whatever you spend. The good or bad part, depending on your perspective, is it’s not linked in any way to your bank account. So there’s no risk, but it also doesn’t do anything for you except serve as a really helpful, less-ugly spreadsheet.

I’ll be honest. I spend several hours every week budgeting and tracking my finances. But I’m the least stressed about money that I have been since my early teens, so it’s more than worth it.

Below is a loose approximation of my budget, with all the relevant categories. Note that the costs of things per person can vary wildly, so take it with a grain of salt, but I have noted in parentheses what percentage of my income is relegated to these categories.

LIVING

Rent (23%)

Utilities, including wi-fi and phone (3%)

GIVING

Donations (10%)

FOOD

Groceries (6%)

Eating out (3%)

TRANSPORTATION

Gas (5%)

Car repairs, misc. (2%)

INSURANCE

Includes auto, renter’s, health, life, etc. (5%)

SAVING

General (25%)

Specific goals, i.e. car replacement (6%)

[Note that retirement savings is taken out of my paycheck automatically, so it doesn’t appear on this list, but it’s 8% of my gross income]

LIFESTYLE

Clothing, toiletries, haircuts, etc. (2%)

Furniture, household items (3%)

Entertainment, spending money, misc. (4%)

GIFTS

Christmas, birthdays, weddings, etc. (4%)

I realize that’s 101% based on rounding, but bear with me. I also have to spend less of my income on rent than a lot of my peers, which gives me more room to save. But notice all my “fun” stuff — eating out, shopping, etc. — accounts for less than 10% of my monthly budget.

So while I will never say “stop eating out and you’ll magically be able to buy a house,” which is simply not true, I would advise caution and relative frugality with finances. Fun is still allowed! I go on trips and eat out with coworkers. I buy a new piece of clothing if I really want it. But the budgeting part is just putting parameters on how far that can go.

Also I didn’t put a category here for debt, because it runs on a simple rule: Pay it off as quickly as possible. Cut down on fun items, and cut back a little on saving, until debt is paid off at its appropriate pace. For example, credit card debt should be paid off as quickly as possible because it has crazy high interest, but student loans can be paid off more slowly. Being in the black is more important than saving a huge percentage of your income.

Step 3: Adjustments and future planning

I adjust my budget every month. I don’t start from scratch, of course. But if my income is higher from a freelancing project, or I know I’ll be spending more on gas, then I can up one category and lower another, and so on. Everything hovers around the percentages I mentioned above, but it’s completely okay to adjust your budget with your life.

Of the money I save every month, some is for retirement, some is for emergencies, and some is for specific goals like when I’ll eventually have to buy a new car. But a lot of it is just general. Because then, when I want to go on a big trip or if I ever decide to buy a house, I will be much better prepared for having started early.

I know that was a long post, but I hope it proved helpful to you. I want emerging adults, both my generation and younger, to be able to do better than the financial situations we’ve grown up seeing. This is where that starts.

What are your favorite budgeting tools or tips? Are there any questions you have about finances as a young adult? Let me know in a comment below, on Twitter @ohgrowup, or Instagram @oh.grow.up! Thanks for reading, and good luck adulting!

 

*For the spending tracking, I literally just used a Google sheet and tracked notes and amount of all money that I spent or received. It was a little painstaking, but very helpful.

(Photo is a free stock photo because this was way cooler than my ideas.)

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How to be a good employee

I promise this post won’t be quite as rudimentary as its title, but the more that I think about it, the more I realize how many of us are winging it in a lot of ways with regards to what makes a good employee. You can get advice from older folks, read listicles and books, but you every job is different and you won’t fully get it until you’ve been in it for a while. So to all of us who are still finding our place in the working world, here’s a start:

Take only the best (and sustainable) parts of your student self

Remember putting off big assignments until the last minute because 1) you had a ton of other classes to handle, and 2) you could? Those days end now. Start early. Do a little at a time. Plan for your procrastination. But when rubber meets road, it can be let that student-on-deadline mode kick in to make it happen. Use those research skills. Remember that technology is your friend until it isn’t — utilize it, but don’t trust it. If you’ve got a little time, it’s okay to slow down so you don’t burn out. Because summer break isn’t coming.

Take initiative

This is a huge one. Ask if there is anything extra you can do to help if you finish something early, ask about what people are working on (so long as they aren’t clearly in the middle of something). Start a project early, go above and beyond if you’ve got the time. Read up and learn as much as you can. A lot of the working world is too used to people doing the bare minimum — by taking initiative, you’ll stand out of the crowd.

Be social

Not, you know, too social. Nobody wants to be the one that keeps work from getting done. But go grab coffee, chat over lunch, ask about their family or weekend plans. Bring in treats just because. Having good relationships with your coworkers will make your life so much better. Plus you could actually make friends!

Be cautious of what standards you set

This is one I’m having to be a little more careful with. It’s okay to be clear about your expectations, and important that you don’t create false ones either. For example, doing a project on a crazy deadline in record time does not mean that should be the new standard. But taking your sweet time when you have nothing else to do also doesn’t mark you as an effective part of the team.

Speak up, speak kindly, and say what you mean

This means not being quiet when you have something to contribute — your idea might be just the thing that’s needed. It means not saying sorry all the time. It means treating coworkers and customers with patience and kindness, because that can make a way bigger difference in career success than people often admit. And for heaven’s sake, say what you mean. Yesterday I had to tell a coworker that I wasn’t sure if what the client was asking for was possible based on the resources they had given us, and I didn’t like saying it. But it’s a heck of a lot better than saying I can get something done only to find out that I couldn’t.

Listen

I can’t emphasize this one enough. I’ve screwed up assignments because I didn’t read an email thoroughly enough, and it’s a really crappy feeling. Make sure you understand what’s being asked of you before you jump in, and that you really process feedback or constructive criticism so you can be constantly improving.

Pay attention

This is in the same zone as listening, but goes beyond just you. Pay attention to what successful people at your work are doing, pay attention in big company meetings that feel like they don’t apply to you, pay attention for ways you could offer to help out and get noticed. Cliché or not, paying attention pays off.

What are the most helpful bits of advice you’ve heard for being a good employee? Let me know in a comment below, on Twitter @ohgrowup, or Instagram @oh.grow.up! Thanks for reading, and happy adulting!

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None of us know what we’re doing

That’s it. That’s my whole point today. No clever phrasing or sugarcoating.

Of course, we look around and it sure looks like a lot of other people our age — some even younger — have all their crap figured out while we’re fumbling around in adulthood wishing we had instruction manuals.

But no one really does. Some people are good at pretending like they do. Some people have got a grip on one or even a few areas. But nobody’s got it all handled. Even the most successful people mess up, especially as emerging adults so early in our journeys. Even the most together-seeming people have doubts and insecurities and areas they don’t know enough about. And absolutely everyone feels like someone else is outperforming them.

In that, take comfort. We’re all confused, we’re all learning, we’re all feeling underprepared. Try to let it sink in. Try to let it free you. Relax your shoulders, take a deep breath. Most things will get easier. You’ll learn how to deal. It may never feel like you’ve got it all figured out, but practice and patience will, in time, make the world feel a little more manageable. And in the meantime, we can always call our parents or ask Google.

What helps you the most when you feel like you don’t know quite what you’re doing? Let me know in a comment below, on Twitter @ohgrowup, or Instagram @oh.grow.up! Thanks for reading, and good luck adulting!